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Lost Traveler 1 -Heroic Call (Story)

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The first of many... since writing is a little easier than drawing, I'll continue making stories about the Traveler universe by this format... I might come up with some comics once or twice... or anything at all if I have the time :C but really, hope you like this story of mine x). 
Everything in the story and the pic are mine :D

Also, English isn't my native language so excuse any mistake... if you point them out (constructively :D), I'd be grateful XD

lost traveler 2: arcadian123.deviantart.com/art…
lost traveler 3: arcadian123.deviantart.com/art…
lost traveler 4: arcadian123.deviantart.com/art…
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lost traveler 6: www.deviantart.com/arcadian123…
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Lost Traveler - Heroic Call

...Your are ours... she hears in the oppressive darkness.

...your body... she hears too close to her.

...your dreams...she hears in her head.

...your power...she hears with her own voice.

...your life... she hears from within her.

She can't move, she can't remember when was the last time she did anything different from just  being... here... wherever here is... stuck, immobile. But she does knows something. 

 

"No...  you will not... NOT ANYMORE!"

She is not going to just lose... not like this...

-SQUAWK!- She hears herself crying out, her small blue eyes suddenly exposed to a harsh glare- hnnngg- She shuts her eye tights, covering them with her wings instinctively.

Slowly, she opens her eyes, still covering them with the red and dark blue feathers of her left wing, getting them used to the light little by little. She doesn't remember ever being under such hash light, she doesn't even remember how long she'd being without light at all.  At last, her eyes adjust and she could see... and what she sees is a very unfamiliar landscape.

Under a scorching sun, a huge sea expands. Blue and calmed, it reflects on its surface the distant magnetic train railway that passes over it, suspended above the waters by slim white columns forming archways. No city is at sight, but the railway will lead her to one, that is a given. She then looks down, curious about the suddenly smooth surface where her talons are resting and squawks again, jumping out of fear at the monstrous eye that had been serving her as a boat of sorts... and which now returns her gaze. She flies, higher and higher, flapping her wings at the incredible speed that female estirges are renowned for, pretty similar to that of hummingbirds.

Breathing heavily, her eyes wide open in shock, she decides to give a better look at the thing she was standing on... only to find what look like ancient columns and ruins, like those you usually find lying around everywhere in the world, instead... the eye nowhere to be seen. "But... but I know what I saw! ... there was a huge eye there a second ago!"; she was dumbfounded... but then shook her head, the bigger gold and dark blue feathers growing out of her forehead and top of her head lightly touching her slender long golden beak, trying to calm down and telling herself that it was probably the obviously savage land messing with her head. The sooner she gets her gorgeous and colorful tail to the railway, the sooner she'll be safer from the land's... well, ok, sea's madness.

She flew as fast as she could, suddenly feeling incredible, lively, free. She was enjoying her little trek to the rails way more than she'd had expected or even imagined; beginning to laugh out of impulse. And not only with the blue gem sticking out of her neck, which was shinning, magically generating the sounds she'd wanted others to hear; but also with her beak. Her laugh was lively and resembled the many chimes of small bells. She'd felt as if she'd hadn't flown before, grateful to the saline wind for refreshing her under the brutal heat of the sun. "I feel so alive! But... why should I?".

Now, suspended over the railway, suddenly unsure of where to go at all, a lot of things came rushing to her head...  

-Flare DeFleur! you better change your expression, young lady; I will know if you've gave prince Heron a bad time and you know what'll happen after that!- said a more mature feminine voice than hers from the window. The light blue shine of her mother's talker gem accompanying every single one of her words.  The red blue and gold little avian sitting inside a very luxurious train, sighs in annoyance and forces a more pleasant expression on her face to show to her mother... "just until we leave", she tells herself.

-Don't worry mom, everything will be alright... I'll just give him your letter and will try not to puke on his face- answered her, princes Flare DeFleur, the third child of the royal rulers of the Sky Kingdom, with a sweet tone that was falser than her mother's intention of only sending a letter...

Flare DeFleur was by no means an anomalous person, but for her family, she was downright weird because of her dreams of traveling the world, righting wrongs and becoming a beloved heroine. That was her dream ever since the day she developed the ability to really understand the tales her father had told her, and since then, she had been preparing herself for a big adventure. But her mother had had other plans... she wanted her to marry and laid some eggs to continue the family line, and probably, win more power over one of the seven cities that comprised the Sky Kingdom their family ruled... or worst even, annex an eighth city to the kingdom.  Since the two of them had very different ideas of Flare's future, arguments and harsh words and actions had plagued their relationship... and Flare kept her rebelliousness at top performance until the girl had a lecture from her father, the very same person who started her  dreams, about how duty and responsibility were also aspects of being a hero... as well as sacrifice. She hated that and felt betrayed, but ended up understanding the elder estirge's message and decided to compromise... she'd still keep looking for a chance to have some little adventure, hunting some criminal or acting as a messenger for special deliveries, and she'll never be completely submissive to her mother's commands, but at least, she was ready to completely abandon her dream...  "And now, I'm being sent to a potential husband... lest hope this guy's better than the last one", she remembers thinking back then, still forcing a nice face to placate her mother. If she was going to marry someone, that someone should better be at least badass or interesting enough...

The slightly bigger and darker colored estirge that was her mother just gave the insolent princess a very sharp final look with her ice cold blue eyes that clearly meant "don't you dare to mess this up", before turning  to her eldest daughter, Flare's elder sister, with a nicer expression.

-Say bye to your sister, dear; if we are lucky, she won't be coming back from Lord Heron's city... at least not without a marriage proposition- says Flare's mother, the queen, sweetly to the purple feathered estirge besides her. She had a bored expression but still raised her left wing in a silent salute before turning to her mother and saying in a deadpan tone:

-We'd be  lucky if Flare were at least interested in boys... I keep telling you that she must be a lesbian, mom-

-If she is, I don't care, a princess' duty is to have offspring to keep the royal line... And when the time comes, lead the kingdom to more glorious days...- said the Queen in a dreamy tone, spreading her wings dramatically.

-Yeah, whatever you say...- muttered the elder princess, her own talker gem glowing a soft yellow hue. She then turned to talk to a group of males behind her, her harem of pretenders, healthily composed of seven males already. They were five male estirges (who look like kiwis) and a human and a felixin (a race of magical cat-like people), the last two towering over the rest of them (estirges are very small, probably slightly bigger than doves) - Let's go, guys, we have a lot to do today- those were the last words Flare heard from her sister before she left the private train station of her palace to do who knows what with her many boyfriends.

-Well, unlike you, I'm a busy lady, so I'm leaving now... please, show some interest in your image, and get yourself at least two or three pretenders soon, or I'm going to really begin to belief that you are a lesbian...- said the queen to her problematic daughter with a sour face, almost spitting the last word, not because she had any animosity towards homosexuals, but because that would be problematic for her plans for her- let's go, dear- said finally to a male estirge that was at her side.  The kiwi-like male, who was like an uncle to Flare, gave her an enthusiastic wave of his mechanical arms as a good bye before following the queen. The guy was her mother's fourth husband and was the one that usually accompany her to official meetings; her other eight husbands, including Flares father, were busy doing other royal chores and as such, were unable to come and send her off.

And that was the last time Flare talked to her mother. After that, she remembers telling herself how she couldn't care less about not having a single pretender, that she was no lesbian and that she was interested in having adventures instead of fooling around with boyfriends. Not too long after her mother's departure, her entourage finished boarding the train and finally begin their course to the city's main train station, a huge building of concrete, steel and glass full of adventurers and merchants. The Main Train Station of her city was known for being the only one where five of the train lines that connected the Civilized World's cities together converged . She remembers envying the many travelers for the freedom they had to go and look out for adventures, something she'd wish could do since she was a little chick. She also remembers being mortally bored to the point of get sleepy... and then...

-And then... I can't remember anything...- says her to herself. Flare DeFleaur was back into the present, feeling empty and worried. The place she woke up was not familiar, the design of the railway's columns wasn't either. And what was that darkness she'd been trapped for who knows how long? How did she ended up there in the first place? She shivered at the memory of the dark and strange place... at the creepy words she heard there.  She shook her head again and decide to check her stuff... As the magical being that she was,  she was taught at a very early age to create a magical space to carry her stuff... there, she left her cell phone (a red device which was marginally smaller than her; apparently, that's how small the things were ever going to be, because science said so) as well as her magical armor (pastel colored pieces of a very expensive but incredibly light and resilient alchemical alloy with magical gems embedded on them). After checking her inventory she released a relaxed sigh because her stuff was still there... She equipped her armor, the metallic pieces covering her breast and thighs as well as the joints of her wings and her feet in a greave-like style.  She did it because she was in an unknown place and she better was ready to fight; "lest hope not with the owner of that huge eye from before" ,thought her with a shiver; because, as brave as Flare was, she was still reaaally small in comparison to many things.  She then took out her cell phone and, after mulling it for a moment, decided to call her mother... she wasn't sure what would she say, but hearing her voice, as angry or worried as it might be, was better than nothing... after all, she wasn't sure of how long had it been since they met for the last time.

Ring... Ring... Ring...

-¿Hello?- her mother's voice called out from the speaker of the cell phone, suspended in the air by Flare's magic.

 -Mom! I'm Flare... - she begin to say with way more happiness than expected.

- Flare? -interrupted the estirge ruler, sounding mostly surprised, but all round way calmer than she'd expected. "That's my mother for you, Flare" she deadpanned to herself, the queen was always in control, after all. - Where are you calling from? This is not your number...  are you with Viers?- the queen continued.

 "What".

-Mom... what are you talking about, this is my number... and who is Viers?- said her, confused.

-As if I wouldn't know what your phone number is, dear... anyway, what's up? And where's Viers? You'd told me you'd be with him- Flare's confusion just grew.

-Are... Are you aware that I'm your daughter Flare, don't you? O-Or you aren't Queen Mistana DeFleur?- Said the way more confused avian slowly, as if to a complete idiot or a madman. But also wondering, almost hoping, that she had called the wrong number.

-Ok, Flare, you are beginning to get on my nerves... What. Do. You. Want? Are you with Viers or not?- "What's going on?" thought the young princess. Her mother's voice began to sound angry now, she was clearly losing her patience...

..and so was Flare.

-Who the hell is Viers?! And mom, I'm lost and can't remember a lot of things! I'm not even sure what happened the day I left to send the letter to prince Heron! Prii! All I know is that I'm somewhere in the middle of an ocean and I'd like you to tell me what happened!- she said all in one breath,  exasperated.   Her mother remained silent for a moment before she ended the call... The lost princess remained silent for a long moment, staring at her cell with an incredulous expression plastered in her face. Her mother ended the call, she hung up... Flare's stupefaction died soon as a surge of fury swept over her. She got lost after suffering who knows what kind of freaky event she doesn't even remember and her mother, instead of at least showing some care,  not only was talking bullshit, she even hung up! The avian girl decided that that was not going to end that way, her mother was going to have a piece of her mind, Flare couldn't care less about anything else... but just when she was a out to start anew call, the Queen's number flashed in her device's screen accompanied by a very catchy and cheery tune she chose as her ring tone. Her mother was calling her. Flare answered.

-Mom, what was...- she began...

-I don't know who the hell are you, how are you imitating my daughter's voice or how did you get my number... but I'll tell you something, bitch, you will pay for this- said her mother in a cold and low tone before she hung up again.

"what".

This time, Flare remained silent for a way longer time, looking incredulously at the red cell phone in front of her. "Imitating her daughter's voice? ... and did she called me a bitch?!". Flare felt a horrible emptiness in her stomach. Any of this was making any sense... she went to send a letter to a neighboring city, and in the way to it, she probably felt asleep; then, the next thing she knows is waking up in a place she's never been before... after hearing very perturbing things in the darkness... and now... her mother had called her a bitch and talked to her as if... as if...

"As if I wasn't me". For a second, she felt as if she were about to asphyxiate, panic beginning to raise in her throat. But she forced herself to inhale a good handful of air before thinking again, recovering the calm.

"No, don't freak out, there must be a very logical explanation for this mess... ", but there was only one logical conclusion for her to the whole thing: someone was impersonating her and was doing a damn good job at it to even imitate her magical aura... She'd heard about stories where the hero meets a doppelganger, a  clone capable of fooling everyone into believing that it was the hero as a part of some evil scheme... "This must be what's going on... some evil character has used the... the event that sent me to the dark place, and then here, to infiltrate my home, the sky Kingdom's central palace..."

The small princess was about to call someone else, but decided against it. Her evil clone must have already convinced everyone that it was the real deal and her mother probably informed the hole palace, if not the whole kingdom, about her. The emptiness in her suddenly grew wider in her. She was now alone, lost and knowing that and evil force was attempting to destroy everything she loved with no real way to do something about it in the near future... This was not fair...

When is life fair?

Words from her mother came to her mind... as bitchy as the Queen was, she always taught her that, as a princess, and more importantly, as a person, she was supposed to fight against adversity till the very end... there was no time to waver or doubt...

You better heed her words, darling, if you ever pretend to be the heroine you wish to be...

"Father", she thought, those were the words of her father.  The one who introduced her in the world of heroes and legends... the one who ignited the spark of adventures in her heart.  The emptiness in her stomach receded to a new determination. With a resolute face, she told to herself:

-A great evil walks among my family, planning the end of everything I hold dear... My beloved ones need a hero, and I'll be that hero!-  Her talker gem shone at every word... and with the last one, she heard the rush of an incoming train.

Flare smiled. 

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karua96's avatar

Tiene bastante errores muy importantes, primero deberías describir al protagonista ( es lo más importante de todo) así el lector se da una idea de cómo es el personaje, también es muy importante describir los gestos , el entorno , la situación en la que se encuentra, que es lo que piensa el personaje, como se siente , sin eso es muy fácil hacer que el lector se aburra porque no sabe muy bien lo que está pasando y puede que allá bastantes cosas que el lector no entienda porque no te planteaste a describirlas . Aún que tengas un dibujo debes describir al protagonista. Si no fuese por el dibujo y porque en un punto mencionaste que tiene alas y plumas no me hubiera imaginado que es un ave .

Cuida del lenguaje de los personajes va mucho con su personalidad pues una reina de mediana edad no usaría la palabra "puta" si que la insultaria con otros términos para sonar refinada y elegante